The 100 Funniest Parenting Tweets of 2022 Will Make You Soil Yourself
The humor squeezed from the parenting experience doesn't more often than not make for great dad jokes. Make no mistake: Dumb puns are great. Simply nurture humor and dad humor are two antithetic genres and the former thrives, like despots, "thinking leaders," and trolls, on Twitter, which has get along a place for mothers and fathers to release. At the best, Parenting Twitter is like NBA Chitter minus the beef, a broth-y brood of zingers and somebody-owns presided over (of necessity) by a benign queen titled Chrissy Teigen.
In 2018, Fatherly eroded Twitter for the best jokes. Why? It's better than doing concrete workplace and way of life better than dynamical diapers. What follows is a all-round roundup of the year's best dad tweets, momma tweets, and exasperated, sleep-deprived person losing their mind tweets. These mini-missives might not be high art, just at least tweets can remind us that we'Re altogether in this matter together.
Here are the funniest 100 parenting tweets of the year.
100. I Saw the Sign
The 6yo figured out she can sneakily stick a note on someone's back. Simply she doesn't eff they should suppose things like "kick me," so they just now have got space facts on them.
— Bobby Yaga (@mcnees) December 16, 2018
99. True Revulsion
My girl wants to be really scary this Halloween indeed instead of a costume she is going to carry a train fundraising packet to every door.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 27, 2018
98. Surely You Joust
[family game night]
Married woman: I don't think this is suitable
Me [opening visor]: jousting is part of our heritage, Linda— The Dada (@thedad) January 8, 2018
97. Comestible Glisten
My 5-year-old named sprinkles "intellectual nourishment glitter" and I've never been more impressed or horrified in my life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2018
96. That's a Wrap
My kids can always tell which gifts I wrapped because they look like I covered them in paste and coiled them down a hill of wrapping paper and tape.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 17, 2018
95. School's Prohibited
Me: my kids don't go game back to schoolhouse until January 8th.
911 Operator: Oh Graven image.
— Simon Netherlands (@simoncholland) January 3, 2018
94. Wood Penguins
I generally think back of myself as an okay begetter but somehow I forgot to teach my deuce class old son what an bird of night was and he thought it was called a wood penguin
— non podHORRORetz 🎃 (@crookedroads770) June 10, 2018
93. Karate Kid
Now's assignment:
Fail to kids' karate classes and keep screaming "FINISH HIM!"
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) January 8, 2018
92. Weight Exit
Kids: Dad, you count equal you've mazed weight.
Me: Really? You think so?
Wife [from bedroom]: HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SPANX?
Me: hide Pine Tree State
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 15, 2018
91. Feeling Out Downstairs
Me: Do you sympathize what it means when living things die?
Son: Yes.
ME: So where do you think things go when they exit?
Son: Cellar.
Me: Our basement?
Son: Yes. My basement.
Me: Coolcoolcool. Ok. Goodnight.
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) November 8, 2018
90. Five-Day Rule
I wish someone would fabricate a way to realize french-fried potatoes that you find nether your kids' railway car seating room scrumptious again.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 4, 2018
89. A Fresh Perspective
The sooner parents agnize their kid's water closet and dresser are au fon wearable napkin dispensers, the sooner they'll start living in world.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) May 29, 2018
88. Play the Drawing
12-yr-antediluvian: "How come through you play the lottery merely never let us play the claw machine games because you say it's a waste of a dollar bill?"
Me: *Stares blankly up nerve-racking non to make eye contact*
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) May 24, 2018
87. Rapier Aeonian
ME: *tucks my kid into bed*
Thomas Kid: You really don't take to bash this anymore.
KID'S SPOUSE: You father't even active here.— The Pale Space Passenger is a Troll Today (@truegritrumble) January 8, 2018
86. Bathroom tissue
If your toilet composition roll looks like-minded this… you probably have kids moving picture.twitter.com/34G2dVdJLh
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 23, 2018
85. So Pleasing
My favorite thing my daughter says to me all various Day is "when you die I'm going to sustain all your money. Birth a good sleep."
— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) May 9, 2018
84. Dad to the Bone
Whichever dad has the best footstep ladders in the neighborhood gets to hinge upon his lawnmower shirtless along the weekends.
— The Pale Quad Rider is a Troll Today (@truegritrumble) January 5, 2018
83. New Skills
7yo: Doctor of Osteopathy you *e'er* have to equal mordant?
Me: Bash YOU?
7yo: Nary. Am I being sarcastic right directly?
ME: Yeah, kind of…
Wife: I'd like a lot less sarcasm around here, from both of you!
Me: (to 7yo) Preceptor't worry, she's being nipping.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) Apr 16, 2018
82. Scream IT Impermissible
"Stop yelling!!" is one of my deary things to shout at my kids.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) January 21, 2018
81. My Compliments to the Chef
I wish instead of complaining about needing groceries my kids would retributive be quiet and eat their angel fuzz pasta with bbq sauce.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 8, 2018
80. Finally Ready
The Male child Scouts are dropping the word 'Boy' from their name and within seconds my dada called me to say, "Looks ilk they're finally ready for ya."
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 7, 2018
79. Prison Rules
This one prison term, my tot walked up to me, took a bite out of my sandwich, then stared me down as he chewed.
I shouldn't be proud of thought this simply he would do GREAT in prison.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) Jan 8, 2018
78. Help Treasured
Imagine having an Amazon Alexa in your house, except whenever you asked it a question it would give back you a wholly uncorrelated solvent. Or it would say atomic number 102. Operating theater it would scream.
That's essentially what having kids is like.#parenting #dadlife #Alexa
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) December 5, 2018
77. Shit Happens
Top reasons my 2-year-old walks over to see me:
3) She loves me.
2) She thinks I'm fun to be around.
1) She retributory pooped.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2018
76. Ye Olde Parenting Dilemma
Parentage is look-alike living in medieval times because you deal with plagues each year and are basically a helot to miniature tyrants.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 26, 2018
75. Very Tight
IT'S A THERMAL BASE LAYER!!
I shout ended the sounds of my daughters singing, "daddy's eroding tights!"— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 7, 2018
74. Tit for Tattoo
I try non to project also umpteen of my possess expectations on my kids, simply I do secretly hope that whatever tattoos they get aren't to a fault stupid
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) January 16, 2018
73. Groovy Hiding Place
We keep all our alcohol in the vegetable drawer because we know the kids will never go in there.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 15, 2018
72. What's in a (Nick)Name?
My nickname at home is "what's the wifi password?"
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) Jan 19, 2018
71. One Simple Fox
Avoided a weekend youth association football game for a 78th consecutive weekend by not having my kids gestural up for youth soccer
— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) Apr 15, 2018
70. We All Die down a Teeny Mad Sometimes
My toddler impartial yelled, "I'm not crazy!" at whoever he was pretending to talk to on his phone
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 28, 2018
69. Pirate Parenting
In a fantastic twist, the too many pirate shows my Thomas Kyd watches have prompted him to discard the word "yes," for the give voice "aye aye!"
— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 3, 2018
68. The Sound of Silence
Equal people who ne'er want to make kids, whitethorn everyone know the peace of a house with a fry asleep.
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) March 27, 2018
67. Two for One
Nothing healthier than the simple joys of finding 5 bucks in an old pair of pants, or discovering my wife and I had a second daughter over a year ago.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 24, 2018
66. If It Ain't Broke
72% of parenting is asking kids how something got broken…and then listening to them lie well-nig it.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 6, 2018
65. Real Accomplishments
Happy to harbinger I can finally feel proud of of my teenage son again, straightaway that atomic number 2 has the Whoremonger Wick skin in Fortnite.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 17, 2018
64. Early Bedtime
At the end of the day we all want our children to be happy and healthy… and to go to bon early soh we can eat dust solid food and watch big-up shows in peace.
— The Real Solid ground Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) January 4, 2018
63. Horse Sounds
3-yr-old: Want to hear my sawbuck sounds?
Maine: Sanction.
3: Hello.
Maine: That's talking.
3: It's a talking horse.
— King James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) Crataegus laevigata 24, 2018
62. Ball Is Life
Curious how long it will hold my wife to scuttlebutt on the fact that I've set up a children's adjustable basketball wicket in the middle of our living room.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 29, 2018
61. The great unwashe Helping People
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I'm carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives ME a lengthy account as to wherefore Black Jaguar could beat Spider-Mankin.
— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) March 21, 2018
60. So Sue Me
they off civilis here in houston so my kids are home again right now and candidly i think i might sue HISD for this
— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) Jan 16, 2018
59. (Bed)Prison term is a Flat Circle
And for my next magic I'll turn my children into starving, dehydrated philosophers who need to pee a good deal, aside just using two magical words, "It's bedtime."
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) January 25, 2018
58. Let It Blow!
My 7yo's so excited in that location might be a snow day that he went to bed early.
I'm so excited he went to go to sleep early that I didn't tell him schoolhouse's already canceled.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 20, 2018
57. This Is My Jam
12YR OLD: pappa, what's the difference between grape jam &adenylic acid; grape gelatin?
ME: well one's real cool & gets all the girls & the other's jellify
12: I hate you
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 23, 2018
56. What's In A Name?
I don't like vocation information technology a "dad bod." I opt "Father figure."
— Josh Radnor (@JoshRadnor) Feb 28, 2018
55. Single Life
My son wanted to know what it was equivalent organism a unvarying pappa so I took off his favorite toy and told him helium could only flirt with it on the weekends and holidays of my choosing
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) January 4, 2018
54. World Health Organization's The Boss?
me: pls don't do that
kids: [do IT anyway]
Pine Tree State: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) February 26, 2018
53. Orangeness You Glad You Have Kids?
If hearing to a 4yo cry because oranges only when put in orange sounds fun, parenting is for you.
— The Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) February 12, 2018
52. The Proof is in the Pudding
You experience what part of having kids is dumb? That part where I'm cleaning pudding out of my remote right now.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 17, 2018
51. Sound Strategy
7-year-old: Can I wear high heels?
ME: Wherefore?
7: So I can reach the sugarcoat.
Valid fashion choice.
— William James Breakwell, Increasing Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2018
50. Tough Crowd
You know you'ray truly a nurture when you are requisite to show the pictures in the hold you are reading to the stuffed animals in the way.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 7, 2018
49. Crying Over Spilled Coffee
Enjoying coffee as a parent:
1: steal coffee
2: attempt to push buggy with one and only deal, spilling scalding coffee connected your turn over
3: spill more coffee
4: when your pass is sufficiently scalded, chug still-scalding coffee as fast as you can
5: throw off remaining 5/8ths of coffee in bin
— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) January 9, 2018
48. Unfit and Tired
I'm staying home to take my sick kid to the doctor, where we can sit in the ready room and make trusty to catch all disease we don't already have.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 5, 2018
47. Recitation Makes Perfect
OMG! Someone laughed at a thing I did. I should probably coif information technology 8,746 more times in a row to see if they laugh again!
-Kids
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 13, 2018
46. Stud, Sudate, and Tears
*nominates "Scantling Finder" for Dad Joke Hall of Fame*
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 4, 2018
45. Caper and Treat
5: I have a trick I want to try.
Me: go for IT.
5: close up your eyes and focus on your favourite childhood plaything.
ME: all right
(15 seconds afterwards)
ME: what do I do next?
5: the antic is over. I took a cookie.— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) Jan 10, 2018
44. Chip Off the Old Block
My daughter just now walked over and pulled a potato microchip from my hoodie pocket and ate it. I have so many questions.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) December 18, 2018
43. Altogether Grown Up
Do I miss the days when my kids were diminutive? Sure.
Do I like IT better now that my son is yellow enough to look out Quentin Tarantino movies with me? Blaze YES.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 16, 2018
42. World Health Organization's Your Daddy?
me: son, come here
wife: please assume't call him son, information technology's weird
me: *cuddling rat* but I'm a proud daddy
— uopuɐɹq (@BraandoCommando) December 18, 2018
41. The Morning Bit
Only parents know "pre-school" is not just another name for nursery school but also describes the chaotic time before you get the screaming monsters to school. pic.chirrup.com/dcECX2ufZb
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) January 24, 2018
40. Dad Evolution
In front kids: I could give probably aged into a silver fox.
Later kids: I'm aging into a silver sloth.
— A Bearer Of Dad Tidings (@HomeWithPeanut) May 30, 2018
39. About A Toy
You can always tell if a toy was premeditated by someone who doesn't take in kids.
No off switch? No kids.
Only one super loud volume mount? No kids.
Every bit flimsy as a Ming vase? No more kids.#parenting
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) Jan 2, 2018
38. Absence Makes the Affection Grow Fonder
Teacher: we require to talk about your son's attendance
Me: attendance? helium hasn't missed a class all year
T: that's the problem. Behind you give us a fucking break? Like only a mean solar day or something
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) January 4, 2018
37. What's the Password?
[Dad Club]
Pop 1: *peers through dent in door* password.
Dad 2: hi watchword. I'm Dad.
Dad 1: *unlocks door approvingly*
— Quilliam (@nyquills) Nov 11, 2018
36. Sledbeat Dad
Taking your kids sledding is a fun and exciting way to discover how prohibited of shape you are.
— The Proper American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 12, 2018
35. Plead the Fifth
My 3-year-old hack a huge chunk impossible of her hair.
Nobody knows when or how.
My wife grilled her virtually IT, merely she same nothing.
She knows her rights.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) Jan 9, 2018
34. Throw in
Don't know what's worse
1) My 8yo known as me upstairs to bring him a towel that was two feet away from him
2) I did it— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 22, 2018
33. A Night At The Theater
I'm stuck saving 5 seats for a kickoff gradation play and you know what? I'm not enjoying this at all.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 22, 2018
32. In Control
*goes into genitor control settings and adds caillou to restricted list*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) Mar 28, 2018
31. Whodunnit?
Subtweet to nonpareil of my kids but I'm not sure which one: how do you keep getting that much poop Happening the can seat
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) Jan 19, 2018
30. Hither Comes the Sun
As my Thomas Kyd gets older he goes to bed after, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to become my unequaled time, which means by the time he's 13, I'll be going to seam at sunrise.
— Daddy and Buried (@DadandBuried) Jan 23, 2018
29. What Dress You Mean?
Expressions that took along a more plain meaning later having kids:
– let the purge out of the bag
– that's the last stalk
– I see the piece of writing on the wall in
– lease your sister off the hook
– father't bury your head in the sandParents, share some of yours in the replies!
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 14, 2018
28. Loud and Proud
If only the objective of parenting was to raise very louds kids, I would be killing IT.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) January 3, 2018
27. Handle With Care
Parenting tip: Buy your toddler a pop up rule book for them to enjoy once so destroy.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 12, 2018
26. Living 'Em Laughing
*Dragging my son by the choker to my 20 year high school reunion.*
Me: "Tell him. Tell him how peculiar I am."
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) English hawthorn 10, 2018
25. Quiet Waiting
Me on my last day working as a waiter: "I'm just glad I won't ingest to spend the rest of my life touching things that have been in another people's mouths."
ME on my first day being a father: "Oh…"
— Dominated Hal (@HenpeckedHal) Jan 9, 2018
24. Logy and Mazed
My son showed me how to suffice walloping times problems the way he's taught to do it, and I'm no longer qualified to do 3rd grade math
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 12, 2018
23. Ye Olde Daddy
5-class-Old: Did you build our house?
Me: It's over 100 years old.
5: Well, did you?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 12, 2018
22. Life Finds a Way
Son: you think you could make over it impossible of Jurassic Park alive?
Me: *struggling just to make it direct day to day life* without a doubt
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) April 16, 2018
21. Wake In the lead and Smell the Bourbon dynasty
Wife: ARE YOU DRINKING AT 8 AM?!
Me: Because of the blizzard we are stuck in the business firm with iv kids.
Wife: Make mine a double.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 4, 2018
20. Urine For a Treat
Congratulations on the parturition of your son, and your bathroom smelling the likes of piddle for the rest of your animation.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 25, 2018
19. Before Breakfast
My only finish for nowadays was to get up early enough to get to the new cereal grass boxes before my kids so that I could open the bags inside of them properly as opposed to them being mauled as if by a raging badger.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) February 26, 2018
18. What's Your Secret?
Unusual parent: we don't give our kids sugar
Me: how do you start out them to answer anything ever?— The Dad (@thedad) Jan 15, 2018
17. A Gift for Teacher
Me: how was school today?
6: good but the year's nearly over and it's nice outdoors indeed I don't like being in class.
Me: what seat we perform about it?
6: give my teacher wine every bit a gift?— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) May 24, 2018
16. Is This Just Fantasy?
My fantasy football teams have gradually gotten worse since I became a parent, but my knowledge of the Disney Younger lineup is getting scary.
— bell ringer (@TheCatWhisprer) September 28, 2018
15. I Want Candy
I hope my kids are impressed with how capable the Easter Bunny is for filling egg with steeply discounted Valentine's Day candy.
— Simon Netherlands (@simoncholland) Butt against 27, 2018
14. Do As I Pronounce…
I'm stoked that my kid is emulating Maine, but helium just proved to rip open a small bag of nails with his dentition at the Home Depot kids workshop because "that's how daddy opens his bags of mini muffins". #badhabit
— Brian J (@Beej1984) January 7, 2018
13. Hiding Place
"These desserts would be great to hide Benadryl in"
-my friend, saying most parental thing I've ever detected
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 24, 2018
12. WHO Dis?
7-year-sure-enough: Can I have my own phone?
Me: Do you have anyone to yell?
7: Do you?
— James Breakwell, Increasing Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2018
11. Relive Your Youth
Your kids have a means of making you live over your youth.
Like when I'm watching my toddler take an hour to eat i banana tree, I remember to my younger years without kids.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 24, 2018
10. If You Please
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a crack.
— Papa and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 7, 2018
9. Responsible Parenting
I know my 6yo will align swimmingly to parenting should she take that path because I just broke the news to her that her Tamagotchi died and she responded:
"Good. That damn thing was indeed flash and annoying.'
— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) April 14, 2018
8. I Donut Play Favorites
Of my three kids, I don't have a favorite. I do like the uncomparable that brought Pine Tree State a donut home from schooltime the other day more than the others though. I forget his name.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 18, 2018
7. Just Desserts
"You…tack together..OF CAKE!"
– Our 4yo trying to verify.— dadpression (@Dadpression) December 2, 2018
6. Defeat the Baby
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby film.chitter.com/p3sEUcTgYa
— Michael Margolis (@yipe) June 9, 2018
5. Gotta Arrest'pica em Altogether!
I just drove my daughter to sit down in a bowling alley parking wad at 10:44pm so she could catch Pokémon. What the fuck is my lifetime?
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 28, 2018
4. The Completely Tooth
Electric toothbrushes: Because my kids constitute it hard to puzzle out toothpaste on the cap with regular ones.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 23, 2018
3. Leap House Storm
Parenting tip: Add a modern level of upheaval to your child's birthday party bounce put up by throwing quadruplet hot raccoons into the commingle.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) Whitethorn 24, 2018
2. For The Birds
*5:30 in the morning*
7yo: (standing outside wide awake) I like hearing the birds sing!
Me: (mainlining caffein) I'm gonna need a paternity test.
— Dada and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2018
1. Hit Series Idea
"1000 Ways to Die," only it's me stressful to navigate the shipboard of scattered toys my toddler left terminated the living room.
— A Bearer Of Pappa Intelligence (@HomeWithPeanut) April 15, 2018
https://www.fatherly.com/play/the-funniest-parenting-tweets-dads-moms/
Source: https://www.fatherly.com/play/the-funniest-parenting-tweets-dads-moms/
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